Finding The One.

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To some extent we all long to be understood. And any self-aware human being who understands the importance of growth, longs to be challenged. We all want someone in our life who can provide both a challenge and a sense of comfort. Someone who will listen without judgement and offer help when it’s requested. We are all searching for The One. Some people spend close to a lifetime searching for “the one”. They search their inner circles looking for guidance and looking to be directed in the right direction with hopes that “the one” will show up through familiar faces. Some search in silence and wander outside of their immediate friend groups, with hopes that they'll discover “the one” on their own. Then there are those who truly thought that they had found “the one” and then when they were sadly mistaken, they gave up and never tried again. When I finally found the one I had been searching for 2 years, but eventually gave up trying to focus on other things. I found her at a time when I was no longer actively trying because in my mind I didn't need her. Not just yet. I was fine without her. But much like all of the other great things in my life she showed up totally unexpected and I knew right away that she was THE ONE. My idea of the perfect therapist.

A couple years ago, I had my first experience with a therapist. I saw her every week for about 6 weeks. At that time I was dealing with the aftermath of leaving a job and having no backup plan, feeling lost in my professional life and my personal life, a toxic relationship that left me broken, and issues with having too much pride to allow the people who were there for me help me during this tough time. I sought counseling to help me with these issues but did never expressed them to the people who were closest to me because I felt as though I was expected to have it all together. And I definitely did not. All of these things held hands with my depression like they were the best of friends and I was losing it internally. I cried every single day for almost two months and lost every once of motivation that I had to do the things I truly loved. I am someone who occasionally feels things on extreme levels. My mental and emotional spaces are hyper-sensitive to certain things. I either feel strongly or nothing at all. So when I was dealing with these things I felt them on a level that triggered every negative emotion in ways I had never experienced before and I knew I needed to seek professional help.

My mother was working for a company that offered mental health benefits for family members and she allowed me to take advantage of that and see a therapist. The very first session was eye-opening and I wasn’t expecting all of the emotions that I had bottled up to spill out so soon. The floodgates were open and I was still crying as I was walking to my car after leaving the office.

Before I headed home, I sat in my car trying to process what I had just experienced. My mind was still cloudy but I knew that despite everything I was feeling, I somehow felt good. Better, even. That first encounter, though it was a whirlwind emotionally, made me eager to go back and continue to do the work that was required of me to get back to being my best self. The sessions after that first one were fine, but that was it. They were just fine. There were no more breakthroughs. No more “ah-ha!” moments. There was a disconnect and at times I felt like the therapist was becoming too much of a coddler. I felt like she felt sorry for me and openly expressed that instead of giving me that honest "tough love" feel that I was looking for. Something was missing and I knew that I wouldn’t be seeing her anymore. When we approached the 6 week mark and started discussing how the sessions would be paid for going forward (the benefits only allowed for a certain amount of free sessions before they require you to pay and they cover a percentage), I decided that I wasn't going to see her anymore, and the search began.

Once those sessions ended I actively sought out black therapist in my area. I had a clear idea of the type of therapist I wanted and the type of healing I needed. While I searched, I made sure that I did what I could on my own to heal me. I handled my mental and emotional issues on my own with the help of prayer, meditation, reading, and deep self-seeking. I found who I was in midst of my storm and I became more self aware and stronger than ever. But I am a person who believes that learning never stops and although I was in a good space, I knew that the work needed to continue. I knew I wasn’t done and I knew that there were still parts of me that I need to discover and better understand. So I started my quest again and searched for a black therapist who would be able to help me on this journey.

Why a black therapist? With the way the world is today it is so important for me to share my experiences and gain insight from someone who looks like me. Someone who will understand my struggles on a level someone of another race might not be able to. And I felt that that might’ve been where me and with my last therapist were disconnected. Aside from her feeling sorry for me and expressing that in strange ways, I didn’t feel like she quite understood what I was dealing with as a young black woman. So my heart told me to find someone who could relate and someone that I would feel comfortable talking to if we were away from the four walls of their office and somewhere having a conversation over coffee. I had seen two black therapist. One was an older man and the other was a younger woman. Of the two I felt more connected to the woman, but she wasn't the one. There was still something missing so I kept searching.

I had tried talk space but if you know me you know how much I value face-to-face interactions. I love connections and being able to see someone physically and be in their space (respectfully of course). I like being able to hear someone's voice and vocally express myself, especially when it comes to serious matters. With talk space you are matched with a licensed therapist but it is all digital. I'm not a huge texter and committing to talking to a therapist through an app. So again, I put my search on hold. I would still did my googles for black therapist in my area every once in a while, but I wasn't searching the way I had been before. I was back to doing the work by myself with the tools that life had given me and doing my absolute best.

One day, I randomly decided to log onto Therapyforblackgirls.com and see what the site was about. It was easy to navigate which I appreciated considering I was using my work computer at the time and didn’t want no problems with IT lol. I put my information in regarding my location and 3 pages full of black licensed professionals popped up. I was so surprised and excited. I felt like i was shopping for a new girl friend. Each profile was extremely informative and I felt like I was finally getting closer to finding what I needed. But because I had believed that i was good at that given moment, I didn’t follow trough with scheduling an appointment with any of them. It wasn’t until 3 weeks after I had discovered the wonders of Therapy For Black Girls that I decided to take a chance and revisit the site, this time with the intentions of scheduling an appointment and meeting with one of these women. I searched through the site again and picked my top 5, then shortened it to my top two, and eventually made the decision to go with who I felt would be The One. Via Therapyforblackgirls.com I was able to access my now therapist’s direct website and make an appointment. The entire process was a breeze and once my appointment was confirmed I was 100% ready!

The week of our first meeting felt almost like preparing for a first date lol. I was super nervous and excited and ready to pour out all of my thoughts, worries, and feelings. The moment I walked into her office, I felt a warm feeling like I was meant to be there in that moment. I went in with an agenda and there were specific things that I wanted to touch on immediately because they were heavy on my heart. I didn’t feel like i was talking to a stranger at all and that was an important factor for me. She made me feel comfortable right away and she had a strong presence. With everything that I opened up to her about in our first 60 minutes of knowing each other, I didn’t at all feel any of the things that I felt when I met with my previous therapist. I have been seeing my new therapist for about a month now and I am so grateful for Therapyforblackgirls.com for bringing me THE ONE.

Mental health is such a major component when it comes to self-care. Your mental health should be catered to just as much as you cater to your physical health when it comes to self-care practices. I really love how normalized therapy has become because for a while when you would tell someone that you were speaking with a therapist, it was assumed that you were dealing with some extreme deep issues and you were borderline "crazy". My wish is for everyone to take advantage of the resources that are available and seek professional guidance from an unbiased perspective. Therapyforblackgirls.com isn’t only for women and if there are any men out there who are considering going to therapy and want more help with maintaining a healthy mental and emotional space, I would consider you give that website a try and see if you can find someone who would be the best fit for you. As always I’m here to answer any questions or concerns. Please don’t hesitate to comment or email me. I’m always here. Feel good on purpose. xoxo

Where Have You Been? Life Update.

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Hey. Hi. Hello.

First off, I would like to apologize for my absence. After my last post, I was dealing with creative burnout, and then my life spiraled (in a good way) and I was dealing with multiple adjustments.

In just a few short months I started the process of writing my second book, I got a brand new car, moved into my first apartment alone, been offered partnership opportunities with multiple brands/establishments, excelled in my 9-5, completely dove in, heart first, and explored a new business venture that I am immensely excited about , and overcame the slow creep of seasonal depression (something that I haven’t seen in years, but it tried it’s hardest to interrupt my peace. However, I’m a G and I didn’t let it get me this time). A lot of big girl moves were made in the 3rd and 4th quarter and I did them all on my own. Yes, I did have family and friends who assisted with certain things, but for the most part I have been doing everything on my own. Because of these adjustments, I have not been able to travel as often as I’d like, and I can feel my inner self feeling slightly neglected.  You all know that traveling and giving myself experiences is my main self-love love language, so you can only imagine how I am feeling during these busy transitional times. But that’s all about to change. Ya girl is tired but I don’t plan on slowing down anytime soon. Being busy is a blessing and too much “free time” isn’t good for someone like me who can’t sit still.

This post is short because I plan on giving all important life update-related things their own post and space to be great because they deserve it.  So just think of this as a quick check-in to make sure that we are all still present. Those of you who are with me still, I love you and thank you for holding me accountable by asking when there will be more post and what my plans and expectations are for this blog. I appreciate you. For those of you who are new here, I’m happy that you have showed up and are considering giving my platform a chance.

 

Help yourself to whatever you see here. I’ll be right back.

Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway

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I would just like to start off by saying that for me to finally have a name for one of my newest projects is a big deal for me. If you know me then you know that I don't title certain creative projects that I produce/publish unless it's required of me to do so. The reason being is because I believe that titling my work sets the consumer up to feel a certain way about it before they even read the first sentence. Granted I can always throw a plot twist and make the title be a false reflection of what the poem or artwork is actually about, but I prefer not to. I'd rather let the veiwer make their own prompted feelings about them. Me committing to having a title for my documentary means a lot in my world.

Deciding to produce this documentary is definitely one of those “feel the fear, and do it anyway” moments for me. Especially because I’m doing this 100% on my own. Scary, but I believe in this and I’m more clear on my “why” so I know the universe has my back. Producing this documentary has always been a dream of mine. I have always wanted to tell different love stories and start the conversation regarding love and relationships. But it was always just one of my crazy ideas that I had. It wasn't something that I actively tried to pursue. It wasn't until after I released my book that my desire to start this documentary grew more and more. After countless encounters and conversations with people who have read my book, I realized that these talks were worth documenting. My book became a conversation starter and the idea of starting this documentary just made sense. But I was scared because this was something that I had never done before and I didn't know how I was going to pull it off. With limited resources, equipment and helping hands, I didn't know where to begin. 

And then the world was introduced to the Black Love Docuseries on OWN. Seeing the first season of the series was everything that I needed to give me the push that I needed. Seeing a production with a similar purpose and message as what I wanted to create gave me the feeling of "I can totally do this too". I feel like the creation of the Black Love  docuseries was a sign that I needed to feel the fear and do it anyway. I needed to act on my idea and work hard on figuring out how to make it possible. I knew that I needed to use that fear of not being able to execute my best work due to my lack of resources, equipment, and assistance as fuel to make it happen.

I have completed 9 interviews so far, and I still have a lot more to do, but I'd be lying if I said that my fear has subsided. I get nervous going into every single interview and I still get nervous about the outcome of the final production. But I use those feelings to keep me remembering why I started this and why it's important to me. Constantly feeling the fear and doing everything in my power to do it anyway. 

Year of "Yes"

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While I counting down and welcoming the new year in Paris, I made a promise to myself that 2018 was going to be my “year of yes”. I made a promise to follow through with executing all of my ideas that rented space in my head and see them through until the end (whatever the end may mean for each) I made a promise to say “yes” to everything that aligned with my passion(s) and my authentic self instead of doubting myself and coming up with reasons why it wouldn’t work. I made a promise to return to the things I love and sharpen my skill when it came to the talents God gave me. Not many people know this, but I’m a beast at the trumpet lol. And I’m excited that this is one of the things that I’ve decided to say “yes” to this year. One of the most recent important lessons that I have learned during my 'year of yes' is the importance of doing  what makes you happy and never forgetting what you are feeling in that moment.

“Do what makes you happy” is one of those things that are easier said than done. We can all sit down and write a long list of things that we could be/should be/ would be doing that would fulfill us. But acting on those things and taking it upon ourselves to go after that state of fulfillment and happiness is not always as easy. As humans often do, we take into account our current “situation”, what the people around us might think, and all off the reasons why we cant. Those negative thoughts begin to do their jobs of creating doubt and the next thing you know, we are letting too much time pass by and constantly feeling like “somethings missing”. That thing that’s missing is us. Our most authentic selves are missing from us because we subconsciously decided to let doubt win the fight with our heart's desires and our pursuit of what will bring out the most fulfilled versions of us.

More times than I’d like to admit, I have let the opinions of the people around me affect certain decisions that I made in my life. I have let the opinions of those that we housed on the tongues of those that I care about hold a lot of weight in my decision making and in return I ended up doing what they thought was right for me instead of what I my heart and soul were screaming out for me to do. I know that fact might come as a surprise to some people because I am usually that person who does not care what anyone has to say or think about what I do, but that wasn’t always the case. I wasn’t always like this. But one day, I realized the importance of making sure that whatever my heart was going to feel like in the end was the most important factor in my life. My life is always going to be mine. No one else has to live this out but me. Mistakes are inevitable when it comes to living and learning and my mistakes will always be MINE. With those two things in mind, I instantly began to live more. I began saying yes to everything that made my heart smile and I began to make sure that the decisions that I made were for me and no one else. 

Purchasing this trumpet signifies so much for me. It's more than just saying yes to picking up an old instrument and refreshing my skills to make sure I still got it. Purchasing this trumpet means returning back to my true desires while being committed to always remain my authentic self.  It means continuously saying "yes" to my inner self and letting her know that no matter what, a lesson will be learned and no one has to live this beautiful thing called 'HER LIFE' but her. I challenge you all to say "yes" to one thing each month for the remainder of 2018. Say "yes" to one thing that will align with your desires and bring you closer to your true self.  Watch how your world changes and watch your purpose become more and more clear. Doors will open. Opportunities will arise. It all starts with one simple word. 

 

Recharging

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My heart overflows with appreciation for those who really know me and know when I am in a state of recharge. Those who understand my need for solitude and can still be with me while letting me be alone. Those who know when to stop asking “what’s wrong?” and believe me when I say “nothing”. Those who ask "are you okay?" with sincere concern instead of "what's wrong with you?" in a tone that's deemed judgmental. Those who know that asking "why do you have an attitude?" will not get me to open up more, nor will it cause me to create one that was never present to begin with. It will only cause me to shut down and remain closed off. I truly appreciate the individuals who know how to not make me feel like a bad person (see 'bitch' ) for needing time and solitude. I love those who know me well enough to know that it isn't a want, it’s a NEED

I am one of those people who give their full energy to those around me. My corporate 9-5, my consulting firm, and my side hustles all require me to be around so many different energies and personalities while servicing people and being "on" at all times with my best self front and center. Doing all that I do can sometimes lead to me feeling emotionally and mentally drained. I can't pour from an empty cup so those moments where I appear distant is simply me taking time to fill my cup enough to give those around me all that they need from me. I am aware that when I am in that moment that I can appear to be temperamental and I promise I’m working on my approach. But, I love those who don't take it personal and welcome me with open arms when I come out from under my rock, instead of making me feel bad for taking time to be with myself for a little while. 

It's never personal. I'm never gone for long. I'll be right back.

always with love, Tor

 

Dear Black Women

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Dear Black Women,

"Thank you" will never suffice in my eyes when it comes to showing my appreciation for all that you have done for me without even knowing who I am. Your efforts to fight for and create opportunities for your fellow black women do not go unnoticed. I have watched you all from the front row in awe of my own possibilities. I can only speak for myself, when I say that I know what it feels like to constantly wonder "am I doing enough?" and "can I do more?". I want you to know that as a student learning from those who are in positions that I someday wish to be in, that I see you. There is always more work to be done, but you are doing more than enough. You have done so much already and my wish for you is to always know that you are being seen and held with the highest respect. Because of my faith, I have always known that I was destined to do great things. I didn't always know the exact path I wanted to take but I knew that whatever was for me and whatever I am meant to do will be done with greatness. Because of you, I am more sure of myself and my life's goals than ever before. Because of you, I can clearly see the portrait of what my future is going to be like. Because of you, my dreams don't seem too big for me to obtain. Because of you, I wake up excited about the fact that I am another day closer to becoming the woman I always wanted to be. I look at you and see my future, the future of the young black woman I will someday raise, and the future of the black women I am perpetually surrounded by. I look at you and see hope and promise. My name is unknown to you, but you know me because I am you. You were once me and in the same position I am in, admiring your idols who are now your colleagues and soul sisters. I see so much of my future self in you and all I can do in this current state is say thank you. Thank you for never giving up and for always knowing that everything you wanted is within reach. Thank you for putting in the hard work and seeing yourself as worthy. Thank you for doing the work and clearing the path for me and countless others who will someday stand with you in similar positions. You are extraordinary and your efforts will never go unnoticed. We see you. 

Forever with love,

Victoria

 

What Being a Black Woman Means to Me

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Growing up, I never really knew what it meant to be a black woman. I knew that I was surrounded by them and I knew that I was one of them. But I didn't truly understand the significance of what it meant to be a black woman. From elementary school to Junior High School, I attended predominately black and Hispanic schools. And the high school and college I went to was full of students of all races. It wasn't until I got into the real world and was no longer shielded by my familiarity with being around people who looked like me that I realized how important it was for me to realize the power and level of responsibility it takes to be a black woman. Being a 25 year old black woman in times like this means so much more than I could have ever imagined. There is power in every inch of my blackness and I'm glad that I am being introduced to it at such an awakening time in my life.

Back in 2016, I read an article on Elle Magazine's website by Dr.Linda Chavers where she stated her discomfort with the term "Black Girl Magic". I was shocked to discover that the author was a black woman. I continued reading the article with an open mind, as I wanted to understand her point of view even though I didn't agree with it at all. But once I reached the end, all I felt was extreme confusion and exhaustion. In her expressing her opinion about the term "Black Girl Magic", Chavers went on to say that "black girls aren't magical, we're human" and "by saying we're superhuman is just as bad as saying we're animals, because it implies that we are organically different." Those two statements among many others in her article really stood out to me and opened my mind to what I believed about Black Girl Magic

"The 'strong black woman' archetype, which also includes the mourning black woman who suffers in silence, is the idea that we can survive it all, that we can withstand it. That we are, in fact, superhuman. Black girl magic sounds to me like just another way of saying the same thing, and it is smothering and stunting. It is, above all, constricting rather than freeing." - Dr. Linda Chavers

To say that Chavers' response to the "Black Girl Magic" movement was a reach would be an understatement. As a little girl, I never thought of black women as magical beings. I never thought of us a superhuman. And I never thought of us as "organically different". But I do now. We are definitely DIFFERENT in extraordinary ways. When I witness the things that black women can achieve no matter what resources they are provided with or what circumstances that they are faced with, all I see is magic. When I watch the black women that I know and love do the unimaginable and succeed in all areas of their lives, all I see are superheros.  Black Girl Magic is about the celebration and recognition of black women of all ages. It's not for anyone else but us. The term "Black Girl Magic" is a compliment, a term of endearment, an affirmation, and a badge of honor. 

I've mentioned before that 24 was my year of realizing things and really coming to understand who I am/who I want to be, and I can honestly say the same about 25. Year 25 for me has been all about understanding my power and part of my superpower is simply being a black woman. For me, being a black woman means protecting what belongs to me and my culture and reclaiming what has always been ours. It means not being the token, and instead paving the way for the black women to come, and to lift as I climb. It means being proud to flaunt my intelligence instead of letting ignorance make more noise. Being a black woman means so much to me in this stage of my life and I am honored to be in a tribe of some of the most resilient human beings. 

Despite everything that is going on in the world black women have never stopped being anything short of fucking amazing. It's beyond our outward appearance. It's in our souls. Being a black woman means understanding that things will not always come easy for me simply because I am a black woman but to never let that hinder me or stop me from going after every opportunity and everything I want in life. I have a better understanding of the risks that come with speaking up and being willing to take chance anyway. Though we are expected to work twice as hard and be twice as good, I wouldn't have it any other way and I wouldn't want to be anything other than a "magical" black woman.

To my fellow black women, with my whole heart, I hope that you know you are loved. YES we are magical. YES we are out of this world. And YES we are undeniably, the shit! Stand tall in the celebration of yourself and the black women around you. Be proud of where the black women before you have come from, and create a safe path for the ones to come after you. 

always with love, Tor

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Welcoming 2018 With a Purpose

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I know that I'm not alone when I say that the last 6 months of 2017 were extremely tough for me. But they became major reflective months that inspired a ton of meditation, actively expressing gratitude and journaling. During those last 6 months, I made a point to better explore the art of manifestation and made sure I wrote in my journal as often as I could as many times a day I felt was necessary. Those reflective moments put a lot of things in perspective for me. A major part of why I was in such a tough place emotionally, mentally, and physically was because I was temporarily lost and I failed at being specific about who I was and the the life I saw for myself. One day, something shifted within me and I got serious about mentally and spiritually preparing myself for the life I want to live in 2018. I was so determined to get out of the overwhelming rut that I was in. I was writing and manifesting my 2018 and beyond way before the new year approached.

I don't normally do the whole "new years resolutions" thing because if I'm being honest with myself, I know that I have a hard time following through with those. I'll have all of these grand plans and end up not accomplishing much of them and then as the year would come to an end, I would look back at that extensive list and get disappointed with myself for not being more accountable and seeing every last one of those things through till the end. Before, my "resolutions" would depict this extra long to-do list with very little direction. It was filled with all of these things that I wanted to accomplish but I had no idea how I wanted to achieve them or even WHY I wanted them. My resolutions lacked action plans and they weren't specific. After becoming more aware of this terrible habit and being determined to shake it, I was on a mission to improve my mental and emotional health through major soul work. I made the decision to be more specific about my goals and intentions for the new year.

I've decided to dedicate my 2018 to two focus words: "Intentional and fearless. Every move that I make and every plan that I implement will be done intentionally and fearlessly. During those tough times that I experienced last year, I started to gain a better sense of self and became even more aware of things that were hindering my ultimate growth. I have let fear stop me from pursuing certain things in previous years and it's time that I get out of my own way. My fear doesn't stem from anyone else's judgement other than my own. I hold myself to a certain standard and at times I can be too hard on myself. But something that I've been able to keep in mind while exploring my new level of fearlessness is the fact that fear is not real. It's all fake, therefore, it should have no place in my life. I have no room for it. 

Last year, I was not 100% specific and intentional when it came to manifesting my professional goals, personal goals, and romantic relationships, so I've made 2018 the year that I work towards permanently changing that. Intention is the start of every dream and desire. It's the creative power that fuels our wants and needs. Everything that happens in our personal worlds  begin with mindful intent. Intention is more powerful when it comes from a place of contentment rather than a place of lack or need. Part of the reason why I was in such a difficult mental space was because I was having a tough time being content with with my situation. I was feeling defeated, and that got the best of me. It is hard for the universe to give you what you want if you continue to build your focus on what you don't have. I finally understood that being content meant being grateful. It meant being able to look at my current situation as a stage instead of a stop/final destination. Storms are never perpetual no matter how much it rains. So instead of focusing on that feeling of defeat, I started to speak life into what I wanted and I started mentally and emotionally acting as if it was all already mine. I focused on my intentions to set the infinite organizing power of the universe in motion. 

I've placed my 2018 goals into their rightful categories (short-term and long term), to better narrow down my focus and to remain realistic with myself and what I am capable of.  I can honestly say that this year is already looking extremely promising for me. Everything is beginning to align with my intentions and purpose and I owe it to making the choice to remain fearless and going after my heart's desires while remaining grateful for this awakening stage of my life. I have such a better sense of who am I and where I'm going, and through this discovery I find myself becoming more powerful, strong-willed, and aware. My dreams and desires have purpose and are more clear than ever before. 

Bringing in the New Year in Paris was beautiful and it really put into perspective just how blessed of a life I live despite everything that I have gone through leading up to this very moment. That trip set the tone for my 2018 and it proved to be the rainbow after my dark storm. Being there and acknowledging that blessing in the moment is what sparked the urge to take more control over what's for me. God put it within me, and as long as I remain intentional and fearless nothing can stop me from obtaining it.

with love, Tor

Life Since I Wrote This for You

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The fact that I have shared such a big piece of my heart with the world still amazes me. Considering how shy I can be and how much of a private person I am, I would have never thought that I would be the one to release such an honest and open project.

In December of 2016 I released my very first book of poetry. A collection of poems based on my real life experiences with love, heartbreak, and all things in between. This book started out as a journal and random pieces of paper that held poems I wrote whenever I needed to get something off my chest and didn’t want to verbalize it. From those random pieces of paper and journal entries, came Tumblr posts. I'm not sure what made me decide to start sharing and opening up on Tumblr but the responses that I got in regards to my poems and short blog entries was very shocking. Though I knew I was never alone in my experiences and I knew that somewhere in the world there were young people going through what I was going through, I was shocked to see strangers relate and fall in love with my words.

Becoming an author was never really a dream of mine. I didn't mind sharing my poems every once in a while at a random open mic night or sharing something on Tumblr, but the idea of writing my own book was never a thought that hung out in my mind. But occasionally, I come up with these crazy ideas and the decision to write this book was one of them. The moment I decided to give the world my whole heart the more I got serious and explored the possibility of being a self-published author. Three years, two heartbreaks, and a million lessons later, I introduced the world to a very vulnerable side of me. For me, this book is more than just a bunch of feelings that I felt at one point in time. This book is me releasing those feelings. The good ones and the bad ones. This book is a sign of forgiveness for those who have caused me pain whether they knew it or not.  This book is an "I love you" to someone who has my heart in their hands. This book is everything I can't find the words to say right now, and everything I didn't have an opportunity to say back then.

Since releasing my book, I have received a ton of positive reviews from readers and small publications and the responses have been so shocking and heartwarming. When I made the decision to turn the poems that helped me truly express how I felt about the things that I was going through into a book for EVERYONE to read, I did not expect for my words to touch as many people as it did. To be quite honest, I was and still am nervous to promote the body of work that I’ve produced. I am a perfectionist and while I am very proud of myself and what I have created, it still makes me nervous to see how other people will receive it. In the words of the great Erykah Badu “I’m an artist…and I’m sensitive about my shit.”

‘So I Wrote This for You’ is filled with poems that express my experiences and observations with love and relationships. The words are my own and every page holds a different part of my past and present heart. Publishing this book was a major release for me. I let everything go the day I confirmed my final edits and let the world have it. I learned a lot about myself during the writing process and after the book was released. I’ve realized that it is oddly hard for me to promote myself. I often have a challenging time speaking on the things that I do because part of me still feels like I haven’t done enough. Part of me still feels like I could be doing more, therefore there is no room to speak on the little that I have done. I will admit that’s a terrible way to think considering how major it is to be a self-published author and to have so many people express how proud of me they are, but it is something that I am working on. I don’t promote my book as much as I should and I really want to get in the habit of being unapologetically proud of the work that I produced. One of my goals for 2018 is to be my biggest cheerleader. Every accomplishment will be celebrated and every project will be promoted in the best way possible and I will not get in my own way. I have made a promise to myself to continue to showcase my talents because I am amazing as hell, and there is no reason for me to not let the world get a sample of how amazing I am.  Everything I do is birthed from my love for many things and my multi-passionate personality. If it is done with love as it’s base intention, then there is no reason for me to expect anything less than the best results and be proud of myself. I worked hard for “So I Wrote This for You” to be what is today and I know that so many people will see that once I end this race to imaginary perfection.

Sharing such pieces of me with the world and having people thank ME for sharing myself with them has been the craziest thing because I feel like I should be the one thanking them for taking the time to bury themselves in my words. It's unreal that people want to read what I have to say about my love experiences. The support has been unmatched and I'm so grateful.

My only wish is that people continue to get what they need from my book. Whether its a lesson or a sign or a good cry or whatever, I just hope that everyone takes what they need.  

You can purchase my book simply by clicking the link below :) 

with love, Tor

So I Wrote This for You
By Victoria Ryan

Let Go: Understanding the Art of Detachment

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I have discovered the importance of detachment and desiring things without feeling entitled. Over the summer I was seeing a guy who showed me just how emotionally driven and passionate I was. I had always been aware of my willingness to give my heart, soul, mind, and energy completely to things that matter most to me, but it was during our brief yet significant time together that really opened me up to the different layers of that side of me. When things ended between us, I took it hard. Which was what I expected of me. But what I did differently this time was take a deeper look within and spent some real time trying to figure out why I was taking things as hard as I was. I came to the conclusion that I was too attached. Not in an obsessive kind of way, but in a way that caused me to attempt to control the entire situation and obtain unrealistically high expectations for the way that I wanted things to go. 

Sometimes, with attachment, there comes this strong urge to control every circumstance so that the process and the outcome is EXACTLY how you wants it to be. When it comes to romantic encounters and dating, I have a habit of letting God handle 50% of it while I try to control the other 50%. At this point in my life I'm understanding just how dangerous that is and the kind of message that it sends to God. By trying to control things that should be totally in his hands, I was basically saying "I trust you, but not fully. So ima step in and help you out a lil bit." Not realizing that the only way I can help him in this instance is by having faith in the process, exuding nothing but good intentions, and doing my best. Being able to identify this flaw and make the necessary changes to my mindset has allowed me to really appreciate being in the "now" without thinking too much about controlling the perfect ending.

There is such great power in removing expectation. I have all of the ability to desire something without requiring entitlement. My love language is to give so I will always be my extremely passionate self, and I will always give my whole self to things that matter most to me, but I will now handle things without being totally affected by the outcome if it isn't what I hope/expect it to be. I will always remain hopeful and I will always wish for things to work out in my favor. But if for whatever reason they don't, I will walk away knowing I gave my all and my intentions were pure. I will walk away detached and willing to take on what happens next.

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with love, Tor